Where are you? by esteban a martinez

you will never hear

my words

brute tongue

did not mean what it said

i did not say that

i am not good with words

you will never hear me say

i miss your rasberry tongue

the wet of your mouth and

your words

i hear sometimes

they vine through my body

my mind

my dreams

honeysuckle of a kind

can cause melancholy

by its absence

love clarifies.

so that you can hear my heart

 

so that you can hear my heart

by esteban

 

i should stop talking

to all of you

because you could never hear, you cannot hear

 

the words

straining from the weight of my heart

breaking under the load

 

of histories you’ll never know

can never know

 

the consequences of your hatred

fueled by greed

dishonesty

sloth

 

calling us savages

nation on my back

fuck you

 

white pesticides

in my hair

on my skin

fuck you

as I stooped and picked your food

 

a boy

eight

dies in the night

after a bullet snaps the air

flies through his eye

 

while miles away

in your comfy home

you watch him die

on your flat screen

and cower in fear

 

because you would never listen

you could never hear

you cannot hear.

This is my last try.

the real unreal

by esteban

didn’t know I’d be here

full of loneliness and fear

where it’s hard to smell the rain

when I was just a boy

I was one, as the hippies say

with God’s great creations

I could smell the rain

and I never felt pain

I was happy and free

would climb trees

talk to squirrels

and I had this clean attraction

to all the little girls

damn, that was living

outside of time

running in the sky

smelling the rain

not knowing I’d ever get here

unable to smell the rain

worrying about bills

and things unreal

Wind - in progress, by esteban

Wind

         

Chapter One

          2 days since christmas.  listen to me good.  the horse had giant nostrils shooting steam in the ice cold.  i never saw a horse before in real life, just on tv.  it  was black then white then reared and i never saw muscles like that before, bulging for an explosion. 

          it was in my living room.  living. 

          i just wanted to sing.  just sing.

          but i wasn’t singing, i had tried all day but i somehow lost my voice, i had even drank whiskey, thinking it would help me get my voice back.  it didn’t. so i was listening to elton john sing. 

          then the horse reared and i shivered in my living room, blanket wrapped around me, something my mother knitted, yarned, whatever, as a gift she would have given me the christmas she died.  i did not understand the cold.

          this all happened in less than 3 seconds. 

          then i lay before the horse, right where it would land once it stopped its rearing.  

          thinking the horse came from hell or heaven, to kill me, i lay before it, closed my eyes and waited.

          and waited.

          and waited.

          then its nose, face, whatever you call its face, rubbed my face until i opened my eyes.  and that’s how Wind chose to introduce herself – by scaring the hell out of me and making me open my eyes.

Like yours - by esteban

as i live i want your hands to cover me with their strength but, if i die, to awaken me again from the delirium that made me disbelieve in oceans, heavens, stars, moons, novas and gods answering my prayers to find someone with hands like yours.

Again - by esteban

i wrote these words over a thousand years ago – “like a lily among thorny weeds, so is my girl among all girls and my love for her will never end” – and meant them for you

as we lay on sand warming each other under stars, in cuneiform i drew them next to us and later chiseled them in stone and someone, i don’t know who, passed them, in ancient alphabets, to the future

and they’ve lasted until now and will forever because they are true

that night, your head rested under my left hand and i stroked your belly with my right hand

“my beautiful companion,” i said, “come away with me – blossoms have appeared in the land, vines give birth to sweetness, our season has arrived, at sunrise we will pick grapes and eat the fruits of our labor”

and you kissed my mouth saying i tasted like apples and i said, “girl companion of mine, you have the ocean in your eyes, an ocean holding the lights of heaven”

i was just a boy, a mere shepherd, and you chose me above all men reminding me how long and far you searched for me “searched the streets and public squares to no avail” until one day, when i asked for water from your well, you exclaimed you found me though we had just met

we kissed again and you tasted like pomegranate seeds and smelled of honey

and our hearts would not let us sleep and we became drunk on our affections and wondered until the sun rose what would become of us

i dreamed of you and now - by esteban

i just want your mouth

on my mouth

your hands

holding mine

i’ve tried to explain

to myself, my friends

but no words

can do, will ever do

never explain

never capture

the warmth of your hands

inside of mine

your heat

inside my mouth

just before a kiss

the light in your eyes

burning away

the notion of me

 

so i can know you

completely.